Thanks Disney

I guess I am the product of Disney movies, Fairy Tale books, Doris Day songs, I am starting to seriously wonder if that sealed the doom. As I calmly flipped over a page to release my anxiously held breath awaiting for the prince to kiss the princess and read those perfect words in a deep sigh knowing all was right in the world at that moment and as the glow of the story or song embraced me "Happily Ever After". How often my escape from the troubles of an abusive childhood was found curled up in the magical tales of make believe, in the promises that all would be work out, that true love prevailed against evil, that evil is always destroyed, and to make it even more special - happiness, forever. The solace I took in these tales, the gospel according to Disney promised me a prince who would love me, protect me, challenge and defeat all evil, and grant me happiness ever after. (It can be loosely interpretated to other gospels I know, but in Disney's I was a princess and no sacrifice was needing to be made)
I wonder if I can sue Disney for years of therapy that have come since. Coming to grips that 1. you are not secretly a princess 2. a prince is not coming to wisk you away 3. good does not always overcome evil 4. true love is rare and seems to have died out three/four generations ago 5. things rarely work out (I am not bitter nor a cynic, just a realist) 6. magic in a relationship is really smoke and mirrors for illusion and later disillusion 7. happiness can never last forever, it is as fleeting as an infant's sleepy smile, it is an emotion a state of mind based on the moment within that moment.
I know these things to be true, yet somehow I am sucked in to another Disney film, Hallmark movie/commercial, love song, romantic comedy/drama there ever was/is or ever will be concieved. I find the world I live in so unbearable beyond my control that I lose myself in "the dream". You know the one where someday your prince will come and you will know him because you dreamt of him.
Yet when you wake up you 1. don't talk to your parents except on rare occasions 2. have a severely abusive relationship (another in a list of many) 3. still are in the middle of your divorced grandparents who raised you for the most part 4. have an ex husband that even after 10 yrs of divorce kept you in court on and off to bankrupt you three times (due to his new older multi million dollar wife that keeps him as a well kept man) 5. have medical issues that affect that organs one by one 6. PTSD and other wonderful labels given to your painful life 7. and lastly when you wake up, you wish you didn't.

Princesses Poop, Well They Do

Children amaze me. I find that in all ages they find just the way to say the "most appropiate things at the appropiate time". My daughter A is ten and has always said the most amazing things that blow me away. We were out to eat with my son C and my mother at the restaurant where it was time to ask for the check, my daughter drank her soda too fast had burped to which my mother replied "Do princesses do that?" Without a blink, A put on her sunglasses and said, rather loudly, "Princesses poop, they burp, they fart, and I am a princess." The couple in the booth behind us started to giggle, my mother was left speechless (for once), and I was left feeling very proud of the strong spirited princess beside me.

Addicted to Intervention (How Ironic)

So lack of sleep might be my issue here, but having a remote that keeps going haywire might be another. As I laid in bed I watched helplessly A&E Intervention while the little voice in my head mocked not just me but what these people were saying. I like to think because of the situations that that I have been in trying to get help for my loved ones that empathy would be a stronger suit as I watched (believe me it is one of my stronger qualities, as is being humble), but the arrogance and ignorance of these people was like rubbernecking as you pass a scene of a crash. People claiming to function as they stumble as family members monitor their intake of alcohol -what?! Was I seeing this correctly? Yes, I was. And marriages suddenly crumbling because of too much porn - umm any amount would equal too much, especially if you are starring in it, you think. Oh, I leave the best for last - a girl who slept around for money with a married man and suck on inhalants the whole time, it took others to finally tell them to call this man's family, to call the police, to have her institutionalized, the signs of brain damage written across her face and with statements as she asked her family members to go out to the car to get her drugs (the dusters) while she convulsed on the couch. Good thinking. Now what is this brilliant girl doing, oh, the classic borderline personality thing - with less then a year under her belt she is "helping others at a clinic". I love knowing that those that get into a field, especially mental health field are really just stepping over a line that they so desperately need in their own life to distinguish the "crazies" from themselves - yet so often I find it might be the other way around.

As if there isn't enough

I had to go to court today to get the man I live with off of a charge of second degree assault for beating me. Yeah- I know.. So, we have been together (way too long) 5/6 years (I don't count anymore - unless it is the days he will be away) and he has been losing his mind, breaking things, beating me, well, the cops got tired of it and pressed their own charges against him, which made him lose it even more and Of Course My Fault and I Have to Make It Go Away. So I did. As soon as we get back home, he goes upstairs and masterbates all afternoon, uhh, hello, people do you so what is wrong here?
1. I am still here
2. He is still free
3. He is clearly insane, a deviant, abusive (emotional, physically -not just on me but apparently himself the way he uses himself like he does), has anger issues, probably a pychopath/sociopath and thanks to the wonderful economy I am stuck.
I often find that the pattern of abuse circles around and around, normally it would take months before an incident, then it would occur once a month, then once a week, now multiple times in that week - Aren't I the lucky girl. There is nothing like learning abuse as a child and continuing it into your adulthood and as people look over and wonder why, it isn't as if you haven't done the same, made the same excuses, found different relationships that reared their ugly heads to reveal the truth that they were underneath the same. Therapy costs so much to have someone ask, "how does that make you feel" once a week and introspection has been a part of your life for twenty years, beginning before high school entered your life.
So I sit quietly, typing away onto a blog, while the house echoes with the slapping of his wrist and the full knowledge that I am the only sane one here. He is truly certifible. I can say over and over that I do not have the money to pay for an apartment on my own, even if I sold almost all my things - I do not want to go to a shelter- so where does that leave me. Right here, stuck, trapped, on a more serious note, dying with every stifling breath I take - I know he has poisoned me with "medication" snuck into food and drink and put a loaded gun to my head. Maybe I am like some others out there, resigned to their situation - tired and almost ready to die at any moment.