As if there isn't enough

I had to go to court today to get the man I live with off of a charge of second degree assault for beating me. Yeah- I know.. So, we have been together (way too long) 5/6 years (I don't count anymore - unless it is the days he will be away) and he has been losing his mind, breaking things, beating me, well, the cops got tired of it and pressed their own charges against him, which made him lose it even more and Of Course My Fault and I Have to Make It Go Away. So I did. As soon as we get back home, he goes upstairs and masterbates all afternoon, uhh, hello, people do you so what is wrong here?
1. I am still here
2. He is still free
3. He is clearly insane, a deviant, abusive (emotional, physically -not just on me but apparently himself the way he uses himself like he does), has anger issues, probably a pychopath/sociopath and thanks to the wonderful economy I am stuck.
I often find that the pattern of abuse circles around and around, normally it would take months before an incident, then it would occur once a month, then once a week, now multiple times in that week - Aren't I the lucky girl. There is nothing like learning abuse as a child and continuing it into your adulthood and as people look over and wonder why, it isn't as if you haven't done the same, made the same excuses, found different relationships that reared their ugly heads to reveal the truth that they were underneath the same. Therapy costs so much to have someone ask, "how does that make you feel" once a week and introspection has been a part of your life for twenty years, beginning before high school entered your life.
So I sit quietly, typing away onto a blog, while the house echoes with the slapping of his wrist and the full knowledge that I am the only sane one here. He is truly certifible. I can say over and over that I do not have the money to pay for an apartment on my own, even if I sold almost all my things - I do not want to go to a shelter- so where does that leave me. Right here, stuck, trapped, on a more serious note, dying with every stifling breath I take - I know he has poisoned me with "medication" snuck into food and drink and put a loaded gun to my head. Maybe I am like some others out there, resigned to their situation - tired and almost ready to die at any moment.