Thanks Disney

I guess I am the product of Disney movies, Fairy Tale books, Doris Day songs, I am starting to seriously wonder if that sealed the doom. As I calmly flipped over a page to release my anxiously held breath awaiting for the prince to kiss the princess and read those perfect words in a deep sigh knowing all was right in the world at that moment and as the glow of the story or song embraced me "Happily Ever After". How often my escape from the troubles of an abusive childhood was found curled up in the magical tales of make believe, in the promises that all would be work out, that true love prevailed against evil, that evil is always destroyed, and to make it even more special - happiness, forever. The solace I took in these tales, the gospel according to Disney promised me a prince who would love me, protect me, challenge and defeat all evil, and grant me happiness ever after. (It can be loosely interpretated to other gospels I know, but in Disney's I was a princess and no sacrifice was needing to be made)
I wonder if I can sue Disney for years of therapy that have come since. Coming to grips that 1. you are not secretly a princess 2. a prince is not coming to wisk you away 3. good does not always overcome evil 4. true love is rare and seems to have died out three/four generations ago 5. things rarely work out (I am not bitter nor a cynic, just a realist) 6. magic in a relationship is really smoke and mirrors for illusion and later disillusion 7. happiness can never last forever, it is as fleeting as an infant's sleepy smile, it is an emotion a state of mind based on the moment within that moment.
I know these things to be true, yet somehow I am sucked in to another Disney film, Hallmark movie/commercial, love song, romantic comedy/drama there ever was/is or ever will be concieved. I find the world I live in so unbearable beyond my control that I lose myself in "the dream". You know the one where someday your prince will come and you will know him because you dreamt of him.
Yet when you wake up you 1. don't talk to your parents except on rare occasions 2. have a severely abusive relationship (another in a list of many) 3. still are in the middle of your divorced grandparents who raised you for the most part 4. have an ex husband that even after 10 yrs of divorce kept you in court on and off to bankrupt you three times (due to his new older multi million dollar wife that keeps him as a well kept man) 5. have medical issues that affect that organs one by one 6. PTSD and other wonderful labels given to your painful life 7. and lastly when you wake up, you wish you didn't.

As if there isn't enough

I had to go to court today to get the man I live with off of a charge of second degree assault for beating me. Yeah- I know.. So, we have been together (way too long) 5/6 years (I don't count anymore - unless it is the days he will be away) and he has been losing his mind, breaking things, beating me, well, the cops got tired of it and pressed their own charges against him, which made him lose it even more and Of Course My Fault and I Have to Make It Go Away. So I did. As soon as we get back home, he goes upstairs and masterbates all afternoon, uhh, hello, people do you so what is wrong here?
1. I am still here
2. He is still free
3. He is clearly insane, a deviant, abusive (emotional, physically -not just on me but apparently himself the way he uses himself like he does), has anger issues, probably a pychopath/sociopath and thanks to the wonderful economy I am stuck.
I often find that the pattern of abuse circles around and around, normally it would take months before an incident, then it would occur once a month, then once a week, now multiple times in that week - Aren't I the lucky girl. There is nothing like learning abuse as a child and continuing it into your adulthood and as people look over and wonder why, it isn't as if you haven't done the same, made the same excuses, found different relationships that reared their ugly heads to reveal the truth that they were underneath the same. Therapy costs so much to have someone ask, "how does that make you feel" once a week and introspection has been a part of your life for twenty years, beginning before high school entered your life.
So I sit quietly, typing away onto a blog, while the house echoes with the slapping of his wrist and the full knowledge that I am the only sane one here. He is truly certifible. I can say over and over that I do not have the money to pay for an apartment on my own, even if I sold almost all my things - I do not want to go to a shelter- so where does that leave me. Right here, stuck, trapped, on a more serious note, dying with every stifling breath I take - I know he has poisoned me with "medication" snuck into food and drink and put a loaded gun to my head. Maybe I am like some others out there, resigned to their situation - tired and almost ready to die at any moment.