When the Crisis Line Knows Your Voice

When even the hotline knows my voice as I had to call them on last week after B went nuts and hit me again, but this time with a closed hand in my face up into my ear that I had just gone and seen the doctor about and had to get medication for. All night his insanity I was able to share, for that night I was able to hear the validation that it was not me that I am not crazy, that I DO NOT Deserve This- Any of it - that I am better than this, but in those conversations, all night long on and off, was the big question, why am I staying, what keeps me here, what part of me still allows and accepts this - why didn't I walk out, throw him out the first time I was even disrespected, instead I allowed it to escalate to the highest form of disrespect. Yet, I clean up, I take care of it, I in my way allow it - how and why did it get so far in me to allow this kind of treatmeant, any kind of unacceptable treatment and still stay as if it is conditioned inside of me that this is what I am worth, this is normal for me, this is okay. I know otherwise in my brain and I wouldn't allow anyone to treat another that I love like this or even a stranger, so what stops me from fighting for myself expecting and getting those standards for myself.